June 17th, 2002

Adrasteius: Really?  Really.

emotional waste pt II

I had a friend once (who is no longer my friend) who said that in being my friend she wanted to 'fix me'... or in other words, turn me into a happy kind of person.

I'm not all that depressed, people. I get upset often and easily, but it's not like I mope around the house all day every day, and it's not like I contemplate suicide every hour. But I'm not a happy person. I don't know if I'll ever be a happy person, but I know that if I suddenly undergo that change it will be a result of me. Other people cannot make you happy permanently. They can make you feel good about yourself, and feel wanted and appreciated, which are feelings we all need to feel (especially a needy person like me), but ultimately only you can control your level of happiness.

And I'm simply never satisfied most of the time. I always have some inaedequacy to alight on whenever the thought creeps into my head that I might be happy. That's just the way I am. Maybe there will be a day when I don't have any inaedquacies important enough to drag me down. Maybe there'll be a day when I don't think the inaedquacies I do have are important enough to keep me from being happy. But that day is not now and is probably not in the near future, and nobody is going to make it happen but me.

And befriending someone because you think you can change that person is sick anyway. I'm friends with my friends because I like them for who they are. I would never try to change or 'fix' any of my friends, regardless of what issues they may have. Unless they were trying to kill or hurt themselves (or others XD), and even then I wouldn't tell them to be a shiny happy person all the time. I would just try to keep from cutting or committing suicide, and I would never stop being their friend because they had that issue (though I severely disapprove of cutting, I do understand why a person might resort to it).

I have never lied to anyone about my mental state. I know that I get upset easily, and hurt easily. I do not hide this, I try to work on it, myself. If someone dislikes this about me, this person does not need to be my friend. But this person really does not need to make friends with me in hopes of trying to change that or any of my other faults. :\
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Adrasteius: Really?  Really.

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I'd like a paid account too, Twolle. Also for the pleasure of browsing the directories. But I don't have a credit card either. :3;
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