January 1st, 2006

Adrasteius: Really?  Really.

poison and vitriol

They're in my blood, and it's time to expunge them for the New Year.

Let's be honest. The past ten months of my life have been the worst yet. Every day I have to fight against a horrible feeling of despair, of not knowing what to do or to whom to turn, of feeling like there's no out there who can and will support me in any way about any of this. I can't talk to my brother: he's made of stone. I can't talk to my mom: that will only make it worse for her. And I feel nervous talking to anyone else but this LJ because I don't like being a burden.

So I have mostly sequestered myself. I did not go to therapy. I am not on any anti-depressant. It's just me, doing this, and once a month on a very bad day I would take a lorazepam (or however you spell it), though I don't even have those anymore, as I gave the last bit of it to someone who needed it more than me at the time.

It is very hard, every day is very, very hard, and the holiday season has been most the difficult of all, because it is full of 'special days.' I'm a sentimental person, and going through all of these culturally important days with a newly broken family is a weight that I find hard to bear. A season which is advertised as a time to be full of warmth and love with your family and friends is troublesome when part of your family is missing forever and it feels like you don't have many friends at all. I feel that I will not have emerged from the woods of this season until I've dealt with my birthday in a month's time, though it seems likely that I will be alone on that day as I was last night.

Several people have been good to me--Amanda, thank you for calling me around Christmas. I don't think you can understand how much it meant to me to hear your voice. Mandy, thanks for hanging out with me earlier in this break; this also meant a lot to me. Emily, thank you for dropping by expressly to give me your delicious baked goods, and I hope that you are well soon.

The truth is that I'm not like my brother, who claims not to miss people when they're gone (like his short-lived girlfriend) and who is not inclined to show a great deal of emotional feeling and attachment one way or another. I miss people, and it is like a spike in my heart when I discover that someone who I considered had a friend seems to have abandoned me during a time when I need friends the most, over reasons that strike me as utterly stupid and selfish. I am angry. I am angry at him, and I am angry in a lesser way at anyone who supports him, though I know the latter anger is unjustified, it is not a feeling I can help.

Last night my mother was as drunk as I've ever seen her, which was probably a good thing, since we were crying and hugging earlier yesterday. Maybe if I could express how properly the fear, and the uncertainty, and the worry, and how much I have cried in the past ten months over one of the most important people in my life who I will never fucking see again, maybe then you would understand. If I could let you feel the stabbing pains in some inner place when I go downstairs and look at the piano, and at the silver urn on top of it, and how I want to open it and somehow magically pull out my dad alive and whole again, maybe then you would understand.

You have failed me.