May 15th, 2006

Adrasteius: Really?  Really.

everything's going to change now, isn't it?

So I've officially graduated from college, and now must turn my mind to other worries: driving, ensuring my registration at U of M (I still have a motherfucking hold for some reason), driving, etc ... -_-

I've been trying to come up with any number of elaborate words for how I felt when I crossed the stage, but nothing strikingly appropriate comes to mind. My brother graduated summa cum laude, and I graduated cum laude. I was one of about 10-14 cum laudes, and above me were about 5 magna cum laudes and only two summa cum laude -- the requirement for the last is a nearly perfect GPA (3.98 I think -- essentially, you can NEVER get a B and your A-'s have to be very limited). I think, had certain things not happened, I could have achieved magna cum laude, but as it stands I am quietly impressed that I managed to do as well as I did -- particularly given that there were points when I wasn't entirely sure I was going to make it at all.

I have cried a little, but less than I expected. I have this feeling like the true weight of the change has not hit yet, as though I have not really processed that next fall I won't be going back to a cozy mildewy dorm, waking up five minutes before class, and eating cheeseburgers in the Lair. After spending Senior Week with everyone I knew from freshman year, I realized how much I was going to miss them, and how I regretted my habitual hermitude. I am glad I did not forsake that week, even if it only ultimately exposed how much I had lost touch with people, and through primarily my own fault. At the same time, though, I always told myself that shying away from offered company was done to benefit not so much myself as those offering, since for a long time it was difficult for me even to pretend to be a force of sunshine and light. I'm still not, and I'm still worried, but ... it is a little better.

And hey ... whenever I correct people, I can say petulantly, 'WELL I HAVE AN ENGLISH DEGREE.' (except I won't do that. THE POINT IS, I COULD)